Intention ko sa entry na ito ay ilabas ang saloobin ko. I suck in writing I know! Not a good writer here. If you came to this point, Thank you for wasting 10 seconds of your life. It’s your personal choice if you’ll continue reading the stupidity I made..
Last year was the “most of everything” in my 20 years of existence. I want to make a general throwback. [ If you’re not interested to my life. LEAVE THIS PAGE ]
I’ve been a leader, mother, father, kuya, bitch, black sheep,sinner, and a lover. 2013 gave me freedom! Both of my parents went abroad and as the eldest, I have the responsibility to replace them in our so called “home” in Cavite. Everyone trusted me not just my family but my academic colleagues as well. Everyone thinks I’m the bread winner, I’m the smartest! They didn’t know Jiger is just a kid. A kid who always think life is just a game.
The game started..
School starts. I left the house after telling to our kasambahay to cook adobo for dinner. The annual student council election is on going. They’re voting and shouting while I’m standing and criticizing the candidates. I heard a voice.. “I nominate Fernando Funtera as Student Secretary” I was shocked. They know me. I just smiled went in front and introduced myself “Hi guys! Fernando Funtera po! 1st yr. proper”. The professor mentioned “Fernando” 87 votes! I laughed and told them “Thank you for choosing me as your Sexytary this year” Standing in front thinking what responsibility are these: A home that should be called home, and a Dental school that is under my hands. Surprised and overwhelmed.
All the mess I encountered started here. I really thought that being a leader is just “leadership”, being a student is just going to school, being the eldest is just managing your brothers, being a mom is just cooking dinner..
I was wrong.
2013 told me being responsible is “responsibility”. I had a lot of ups and downs. I analyzed and talk with myself. I did these shits in life! My fault. I’m sorry! Regrets. i shouldn’t be stocked in the situations, I shouldn’t be sufferin, I shouldn’t be walking, I shouldn’t be repeating all the subjects I’m taking right now. My life should be awesome by now. My life should be easier. I shouldn’t be facing these challenges, I should be done by now. I should be….. If only I didn’t abuse the responsibilities I’ve got.
God gave me a very challenging 2013 and I failed. I lost everything. My future, trusts, money, happiness, and almost academics. I have nothing left to do but smoke and pick up the shits I made. I was lost. Destroyed. I erased God that time. I was so bitter with my mistakes I have nothing to blame but God!
"Why did you gave me these fucking responsibilities if in the first place you knew I will just screw up?" Statement I said in church.
Months have passed. Jiger’s still lost. Don’t know where to begin. I didn’t know that time that God already answered me. My abusive life has been slowly exposed. I was really distorted and blaming God! If only he could just fix the mess I made without loosing someone. I told God “Bakit pa kasi kailangan malaman ni mommy? I can just fix everything without telling her! God, I don’t need you. I can manage myself”
September 23. I accidentally fell in love. A guy went to my life. I was happy I forgot every problems I got. We’re deeply in love with each other.. I was diverting my attention to him. Instead of fixing my life, I made him my life. Honestly, I was thankful to have him. I considered him “luck”. Months came and I’m still in love.
*Ring ring ring!* “Hi Mom! How are you?” told her with a happy yet plastikadang voice, she answered “I’ll be home by November.” Jiger was so fucked up!
"School’s not doing well, little brother has been a victim of out of school youth gang, budget was not properly budgeted"
First monthsary came. We’re happy couple. I felt him. He was true! I was kissing him in a cage full of butterflies.. I stared at him.. My mind was blank. I saw an angel. I told my self “Alam ko na”. I was disorganized but God gave me a man. A man that can build Jiger again. Mommy is coming home and I’m screwed but I realized “and so what?”
Jiger’s back to the game of life. I was 60% renewed. I have a boyfriend. I went to church and asked God’s forgiveness. Another mistake was made. This time with the creator. While sitting in church i cried. Thankful while imagining my angel is beside me.. telling this:
"I love you! God gave me you as a starter! You are the starter of the new me. I’ve been a bad person but God didn’t give up on me.. He gave me an angel to be with me in times like this."
I promised God that I will not lose him.
I was in the airport. Waiting for her arrival. I know she was mad. Deeply mad. The budget was really no where to be found, my brother went home drunk. She told me how disappointed she is. Our family is lost because of me. I have no person to talk with but my angel. My feelings was relieved. Our family was financially broke. Seriously broke.
Days came. Mother was still upset. We reopened her Dental Clinic but there were no patient. I keep on praying. Please God! We need patients. After a week there was a phone call.. Asking her to relieve one dentist in a famous dental clinic in Cavite. I was surprised. No patient came but a bigger blessing went! I was happy! My life is starting to fix again, The progress continues.. Momy got a regular job plus extra walk in patients.. We’re being stable again. I’m deeply inlove plus a stable family. Mommy is still dissapointed..
This is the lesson I got ….
This is the challenge I have this 2014. Not to stop. Don’t stop dreaming, don’t stop fighting, don’t stop being responsible. I’m so blessed I have an Angel, my family is starting to be complete again, everyone’s being happy.. The only thing to maintain this is to be responsible. Study well, love my boyfriend, be a matured kuya.
Thank you 2013 for giving a shitty life! I’m blessed because without this experiences I won’t be strong and I won’t realize what life is all about. 2014 will be a year of planning and evolving for me.
To my angel,
Sorry for considering you a luck. You’re an angel that God gave me. More than a blessing.. You changed my life! I love you! More challenges to come.. I’ll be strong for you! We’ll be forever- ever! i love you!
( Thank you for wasting your precious time reading this )